3 Things We Do When We Start Feeling Like "Roommates"

Hacks, mind-tricks, and some weird fun stuff.

You don’t think it will ever happen to you but every couple who’s ever lived together knows the feeling. That shift. One second you’re as hot and heavy as Heathcliff and Catherine in Wuthering Heights, the next you’re Joey and Chandler asking, “Whose turn is it to take out the garbage ?”

After 19 years of marriage (25 together), we’ve been through every iteration. We’ve learned the hard way that if we have to nip the ‘Roommate’ thing in the bud pretty quickly it lingers and spirals and starts effecting all the things. And for those of us with kids, it can go from ‘roommate’ to ‘co-worker real fast (not sure which is worse). So here’s what we do when we notice things heading into roommate-land, from both of our perspectives:

1. Say It Out Loud

Oh, you want to avoid bringing it up because talking about it means you have to put in some work (and likely take some accountability). But the longer you avoid it, the more it festers and its just the worst cycle ever. I once wrote a whole post about how resentment is the cold that can turn deadly, untreated and the feedback was overwhelming. You HAVE to treat the cold.

Emily: I’m very assertive these days which probably surprises no one. As soon as the unwarranted tension and irritation over dumb stuff creeps in I can tell we are disconnected. I know its not about the thing, its that we haven’t prioritized each other lately. So instead of lashing out (which I might still do accidentally) I’ll ask for a date night, sometimes immediately (sometimes I straight up say, “hey, I need some attention”, like a bossy 3 year old). Brian knows what to do immediately. Now that the kids are older and things aren’t quite the shit show that it used to be we have way more time to spend together so we can detect it earlier, book the date and end the cycle more quickly.

Brian: So, this is actually the hardest part for me. I’m lucky to have a super assertive wife, because I tend to retreat a bit when it comes to talking about relationship stuff. I don’t know why, but I’m much more inclined to let things continue longer than they should. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to admit things aren’t good? Because it could be a poor reflection on me? As if vocalizing that we’re in a rut is admitting I’m been failing as a husband? So I think it’s somewhere in that musty strew. But the good news is, I’ve become aware that I avoid it, so I end up pushing myself to say something.

2. We Book A Date - But With Some Rules

Brian: The booking part is easy. But it won’t mean anything if you’re not present for it. There were times when we both just went to dinner to check the box. Now when we go out, I like to think of it as a first date. Like, re-frame it to think how amazing it is that I get to have dinner with this woman who’s got so much going on in her life.

No talking ‘logistics’. I try to ask a bunch of questions that have nothing to do with the logistics of our household. It’s easier said than done because our kids are so important to us and there is always a lot to figure out, plus they’re an easy common denominator for conversation. I ask her about her work, about her relationships, about what lights her up these days, what her hopes are, honestly anything but home-life and kids. Honestly, it’s more about seeing Emily as a woman again, and not as a domestic partner.

No friends. Yah. As fun as it is to go out with a group of friends or other couples, we’ve found we have to isolate ourselves if we’re going to connect (From Emily: friends can be a crutch when you are in a bad spiral). It’s just too easy to get sidetracked with other people and forget the reason that you booked the date in the first place.

Emily: Go do weird, new things together. While we love our local haunts (shout out to Yalla) we really try to still go on adventuresome dates which are far more memorable and shake us out of our rut. Humans crave newness and novelty. Think finding the best dumpling place in chinatown, going to a local (and likely questionable) comedy show, booking a dinner cruise on that cheesy boat that serves salsbury steak. Brian is way better at making us go to new restaurants across the city and I’m good at finding weird activities. For a while we took turns planning them for each other and putting in real effort. They had to be something we’d never done before or a type of food we hadn’t tried. We are out of that habit right now and writing this has inspired me to plan something weird. It really makes it feel like dating again, something I hope to never do with again, with anyone else (so we have to make this fun, right?).

Ask the big questions. Ok so this one is from the Gottmans (IYKYK) and its super cringe, but makes us laugh (and works). The Gottmans (relationship experts/psychologists and a married couple) want you to ask ‘What is on your mind and in your heart’ (I told you it was painful). So we say it jokingly (obviously, you can’t say that with a straight face), but it means ‘hey we are about to talk about how happy you really are right now with things and whats happening in your brain’. And we try to do it at the beginning of the date so we have time to really get into it.

Oh and here is a hack about date-night sex …